No, don't slip away! Relief, my most cherished emotion, I've worshipped at your alter, why must you always abandon me right when I am no longer scared of your disappearance - even though I knew it was coming all along? Fuck and run. You just left me with the expectation of orgasm and the reality of desperation and longing - much like that for physical release or emotional intimacy or ownership, in a sense, of a person's being. At least temporarily. Usually a specific person's being if the situation has gotten to the point of pain. Temporarily is my least favorite word. I'm trying to be part water / part stone. Detached. Free. I will not depend on others for my joy. I must delight in being the water. Sounds easy enough. But how the fuck do I delight in being a rock? As a metaphor, it's steadfast, unmoving, changes slightly after years of water flowing over it, but never loses itself. Allows whatever flows around or over it to just not really affect it - detached. As a thing to take delight in being? Boring as fuck. I'll be a river but fuck a fucking rock. Am I the only one in the world who feels like having an ego is more fun than attaining zen? And exactly how horrible does that make me? I'm sure when I'm 50 the idea of a thoughtless mind will appeal greatly to me, but right now I want to want things then fulfill those desires. I am like the anti-buddhist - yet I am a vegan and a pacifist who deals in karma and kindness. I've been told I'm confusing. I agree. I'm grasping tight to the relief, hoping for a larger well soon. The government will do everything in their power to prevent that from happening. This is a Boardwalk Empire and our Kings and Queens are Jack Daniels and Marlboro Menthol Ultra-lites. Our godfather is the Atom Bomb. Our favorite food is Apple Pie and our national passtime is baseball. Our body count is high, our awareness low. They like it that way. We don't seem to mind.